1 And God spake all these words, saying,…
12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
— Exodus 20:1,12 (KJV)
The fifth commandment calls us to give our parents the weight and respect God assigned them, for our whole lives. For young children, that includes obedience. For adults, it means respect, gratitude, and care, especially as parents age.
But honor has limits. It never requires disobeying God, sharing every belief our parents hold, or accepting abuse. This study walks through what honor means, how it changes across a lifetime, and the hard questions many of us carry about our own families.
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Why this commandment starts the second half
The Ten Commandments move from our duties toward God (the first four) to our duties toward other people (the last six). Jesus summed up the two halves as loving God and loving our neighbor (Matthew 22:37-40).
The fifth commandment opens the second half, and it’s the natural bridge between them. Our parents are the first people God places over us, and for young children, they represent God Himself.
A child learns what authority, love, and trust look like at home long before understanding them in God.
Ellen White described this connection:
“Parents are entitled to a degree of love and respect which is due
(Patriarchs and Prophets, p. 308)
to no other person. God Himself, who has placed upon them a responsibility for the souls committed to their charge, has ordained that during the earlier years of life, parents shall stand in the place of God to their children.
It’s also the first commandment with a promise attached. Paul points this out: “Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise” (Ephesians 6:2).
We’ll look at that promise later.
What “honor” really means: a word study
The key point to understanding what God wants us to do with this commandment is understand the meaning of the words.
The Hebrew word translated “honour” is kabad. Its root meaning is “heavy” or “weighty.” To honor your parents is to give them weight: to treat them, their words, and their role in your life as significant.
The same root describes God’s glory, the kabod, the weightiness of His presence (Exodus 40:34). God asks us to give parents a measure of the same regard we give to Him.
The opposite shows up just a chapter later: “he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death” (Exodus 21:17). The Hebrew word for “curseth” is qalal, which means to make light of or treat as insignificant. Dishonor isn’t only open rebellion. It’s treating parents as though they don’t matter.
That’s why Scripture uses two different words for two stages of life:
- “Obey” is the instruction given to children: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20). It fits the years when parents are responsible for a child’s safety and training.
- “Honor” is given to everyone, at every age (Ephesians 6:2; Proverbs 23:22). An adult may no longer take instructions from a parent, but still gives that parent weight.
This distinction answers many questions at once.
A married adult isn’t required to obey a parent’s every wish (Genesis 2:24). But a married adult is still required to honor them. And no one, at any age, is asked to obey a parent against God, since children obey “in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1; Acts 5:29).
Honor across a lifetime
The fifth commandment doesn’t expire when we turn 18. Honor stays the same, but how we show it changes as we grow.
As a child: obey and learn
For young children, honor looks like obedience, listening, and learning (Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20; Proverbs 1:8-9). Parents are God’s first teachers. They train children in His ways “when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9).
Obedience is always “in the Lord.” A parent who tells a child to lie, steal, or do harm has stepped outside the authority God gave them (Acts 5:29).
Leaving home: a new household
Marriage creates a new family unit: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24). Adult children make their own decisions about their marriage, home, and children.
That doesn’t end honor.
It changes it from obedience to respect. Adult children still listen to their parents’ counsel and give it real weight, even when they decide differently (Proverbs 23:22).
This also applies to grandparents, aunts, and uncles: they deserve respect, but the commandment doesn’t give them authority over another household.
As adults: respect, gratitude, and listening
Honor shows up in how we speak about our parents, how we speak to them, and how we treat their reputation. Scripture tells us to reverence our mothers and fathers (Leviticus 19:3) and to be grateful for their care (Proverbs 23:22-25).
We can disagree without contempt.
As parents age: care and provision
This is where honor becomes practical.
Paul wrote that believers should “learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents,” and that failing to provide for one’s own family is worse than unbelief (1 Timothy 5:4, 8).
Jesus confronted religious leaders who found a loophole.
They let people declare money “Corban,” a gift dedicated to God, so it couldn’t be used to support aging parents. Jesus said this made “the word of God of none effect through your tradition” (Mark 7:9-13; Matthew 15:3-6).
So no religious reason excuses neglecting our parents.
Ruth gives a beautiful picture of this kind of honor. She wasn’t even Naomi’s daughter by birth, yet she left her homeland to care for her widowed mother-in-law (Ruth 1:16-17; 2:11).
After death: remember, but don’t venerate
We can honor parents who have died by remembering their lives, telling their stories, and carrying on the good they taught us (Proverbs 10:7; Psalm 78:4-7).
But Scripture draws a clear line at ancestor veneration. “The dead know not any thing” and have no part in what happens on earth (Ecclesiastes 9:5-6; Psalm 146:4). They are asleep waiting. Shrines, offerings, or prayers to ancestors can’t reach them, and God forbids seeking guidance from the dead (Deuteronomy 18:10-12; Isaiah 8:19-20).
Worship belongs to God alone (Matthew 4:10).
Adventists find real comfort here.
Our believing parents aren’t watching us or wandering as spirits. They are resting, and they’ll wake at Christ’s return (1 Thessalonians 4:13-17; John 5:28-29). The best way to honor a faithful parent who has died is to be ready to meet them in that resurrection morning.
Jesus, the perfect Son
Jesus kept the fifth commandment perfectly, and two scenes from His life show it at each end.
At age 12. Jesus stayed behind at the temple, and when His parents found Him, He said, “wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?” (Luke 2:49). Even as a boy, He knew His first loyalty was to God. Yet the very next verse says He “went down with them … and was subject unto them” (Luke 2:51). The Son of God obeyed an earthly carpenter and his wife.
At the cross. While dying, in agony, Jesus looked down and made sure His mother would be cared for. He entrusted Mary to John: “Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home” (John 19:26-27). One of His last acts on earth was honoring His mother.
Between those two scenes, Jesus also showed that honor has limits. When His family tried to take Him home, thinking He was “beside himself,” He kept doing His Father’s work (Mark 3:21, 31-35). Loyalty to God came first, but Jesus never stopped caring for His family.
Jesus shows the balance the fifth commandment asks for: God first, and parents honored within that loyalty, never against it (Matthew 10:37).
Hard cases: when honoring your parents is complicated
Honor does not mean staying in harm’s way. The clearest biblical example is David and King Saul, his father-in-law and the king God had anointed.
Saul tried to kill David more than once (1 Samuel 18:10-11; 19:9-10). David fled and kept his distance for years (1 Samuel 19:12-18). He didn’t return to Saul’s table or trust Saul’s promises.
But when David had the chance to kill Saul, he refused to harm him or speak against him (1 Samuel 24:6-10; 26:9-11). When Saul died, David mourned him publicly (2 Samuel 1:17-27).
David’s example shows that honor and access are two different things. You can refuse to hate, slander, or take revenge on a parent while still protecting yourself and your children. Forgiveness is commanded (Matthew 18:21-22), but trust has to be rebuilt, and wisdom sees danger and avoids it (Proverbs 22:3).
Paul’s instruction is realistic: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18). Sometimes it isn’t possible.
If you grew up without the love a parent should give, God speaks to you directly: “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up” (Psalm 27:10).
Noah planted a vineyard, got drunk, and lay uncovered in his tent. His son Ham saw it and told his brothers.
Shem and Japheth walked in backward with a garment and covered their father without looking (Genesis 9:20-23).
Noah was clearly in the wrong. But his sons chose not to expose or mock his failure.
Honor includes guarding a parent’s reputation, even when the parent has fallen short. That doesn’t mean hiding abuse or crime. It means we don’t make a parent’s weaknesses into gossip, jokes, or weapons.
Many Adventists face this every week.
Family gatherings land on Friday night or Saturday, and a parent feels rejected when you don’t come.
Jesus warned that following Him could divide families, and that loving family more than Him is a mistake (Matthew 10:34-37). God’s authority comes first: “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).
But the way we keep the Sabbath can still honor our parents. We can explain our choice respectfully, suggest another day for the event, visit before sunset Friday or after sundown Saturday, or invite them to share a Sabbath meal with us.
Honoring parents also doesn’t require adopting their beliefs. Abraham followed God even though his father served other gods (Joshua 24:2-3). Ruth chose Naomi’s God over the gods of Moab (Ruth 1:15-16). The Bereans examined everything they were taught against Scripture (Acts 17:11).
You can respect your parents while making your own decisions about faith, and share that faith “with meekness and fear” (1 Peter 3:15).
The commandment names father and mother, but Scripture shows the same honor extended to those who fill that role.
- Adoptive parents: Jesus Himself was subject to Joseph, His legal but not biological father (Luke 2:51). Esther obeyed her cousin Mordecai, who raised her, “like as when she was brought up with him” (Esther 2:7, 20).
- In-laws: Moses bowed to greet his father-in-law Jethro and took his advice on leading Israel (Exodus 18:7, 24). Ruth cared for Naomi as her own mother.
Exodus 21:17 says anyone who curses a parent “shall surely be put to death.” To modern readers, that sounds shockingly harsh. Why did God set such a severe penalty in Israel?
Cursing meant more than talking back.
The Hebrew word qalal describes treating parents with utter contempt, including calling down harm on them. A related law in Deuteronomy 21:18-21 shows the kind of rebellion the law had in mind: a son who was persistently “stubborn and rebellious,” who would not listen even after being disciplined, and who was, in the words of the law, “a glutton, and a drunkard.” The law had in mind an older son’s settled, ongoing contempt, not a young child’s angry outburst or harsh words said in a heated moment. Those are still wrong and need correction, but they weren’t what this penalty addressed.
It wasn’t left to an angry parent. Both parents had to bring the case to the elders at the city gate, where it was heard publicly (Deuteronomy 21:19-20). No parent could carry out the penalty alone. The law protected children from parental rage as much as it protected parents.
The family was the foundation of the nation. Israel was a nation under God’s direct rule, and faith was passed down through families (Deuteronomy 6:6-9). Parents stood in God’s place to their children. Open contempt for parents was rebellion against the order God built into His people, and it threatened the whole community. That’s why the law says, “all Israel shall hear, and fear” (Deuteronomy 21:21).
Those civil penalties belonged to Israel’s national government.
Adventists distinguish between the moral law and Israel’s civil laws. God wrote the Ten Commandments with His own finger on stone, and they were placed inside the ark (Exodus 31:18; Deuteronomy 10:1-5). Moses wrote the civil and ceremonial laws in a book placed beside the ark (Deuteronomy 31:24-26). The civil laws set penalties for Israel’s courts while God ruled the nation directly, and they ended with that system of government.
The moral principle hasn’t changed.
The severity shows how seriously God views contempt for parents, and Jesus quoted this law for exactly that reason (Matthew 15:4).
But when Paul repeats the fifth commandment for Christians, he attaches its promise, not its punishment (Ephesians 6:1-3).
The Christian response to a rebellious child is discipline, prayer, and patient love, the way God deals with His own wayward children (Hebrews 12:5-11; Luke 15:20).
The promise: “that thy days may be long”
The fifth commandment comes with a promise, but what exactly does it promise? It unfolds in three layers.
For Israel, it was a promise about the land. “Upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee” referred to Canaan. A nation where families honored one another would stay stable and remain in the land God gave them (Deuteronomy 5:16; 6:1-3).
For everyone, it’s a principle of wise living. Paul widens the promise to “that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:3). Children who respect parental guidance tend to avoid many of the choices that shorten lives and damage families (Proverbs 1:8-9; 3:1-2; 4:10).
But what about faithful people who die young? Like much of Proverbs, this promise describes how life generally works, not a guarantee for every individual. Scripture even says that sometimes “the righteous is taken away from the evil to come” (Isaiah 57:1-2).
Its final fulfillment is the new earth. Jesus said “the meek … shall inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5; Psalm 37:29). Adventists believe God will make this earth new, a real place where His people live forever (2 Peter 3:13; Revelation 21:1-4). The land promised to Israel points to the land promised to all of God’s children. There, “long days” will mean eternity.
The other side: what God asks of parents
As a mom, I can’t read this commandment only as a child. God speaks to parents too.
“Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). “Provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Parents are called to teach God’s words all day long, in ordinary moments (Deuteronomy 6:6-9).
The fifth commandment gives parents authority, but that authority is a responsibility.
Because young children see God through their parents, we make honoring us easier or harder by how closely we reflect Him. We earn weight by carrying our children’s hearts gently.
The Old Testament ends with a promise about families. God would send Elijah “before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD,” and “he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers” (Malachi 4:5-6).
John the Baptist fulfilled this in the spirit of Elijah (Luke 1:17).
Adventists believe God is sending a final Elijah message before Jesus returns, and part of that work is healing families: parents turning toward children, and children toward parents.
Living the fifth commandment
I’m the youngest of three children, and at some point my parents’ marriage stopped working. I’m still not sure exactly when or why. They waited as long as they could to divorce and tried to keep everything hidden from us kids, even their counseling. But I knew something was very wrong. While I was up late gaming, my dad often wouldn’t come home until 1 a.m. He worked constantly, and my parents barely spoke to each other.
Near the end of college, my dad asked me how I would feel if he divorced my mom. I didn’t agree with it at all. But I had to try to respect their decision, and their honesty that the love had left a long time ago. Then I watched firsthand how the divorce broke my mom, and how long it took her to heal.
Honoring my parents through that was one of the hardest things I’ve done. For years, and even now, I’ve had to keep choosing to love and respect my dad, even though I didn’t agree with what he did. That’s when I learned that honor isn’t the same as agreement. Giving my parents weight didn’t mean approving of every choice they made. It meant refusing to hold their failures over them, and continuing to treat them as my parents.
Today I’m an Adventist, and no one else in my family is.
That means scheduling or diet conversations come up often. Long ago, I sat down with them and respectfully explained what I believe and why. It hasn’t always been easy, and there were many bumps in the road at family events. But honoring my family and honoring God don’t have to compete. I can do both.
Learn more about the Ten Commandments.
6 Quick key points to honor your parents
- Honor means “give weight.” It lasts a lifetime (Exodus 20:12; Proverbs 23:22).
- Children obey; everyone honors. Obedience is always “in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1-2; Acts 5:29).
- Honor changes shape from obedience in childhood to respect in adulthood and care in a parent’s old age (Genesis 2:24; 1 Timothy 5:4).
- Honor never requires disobeying God, sharing every belief, accepting abuse, or venerating the dead (Matthew 10:37; 1 Samuel 24:6; Ecclesiastes 9:5).
- Jesus modeled it from age 12 to the cross (Luke 2:51; John 19:26-27).
- The promise points beyond long life to the new earth (Ephesians 6:3; Matthew 5:5).
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Our Adventist Life is a dedicated online evangelist and mother of two, deeply rooted in her Seventh-day Adventist faith. With over 15 years of experience in creating and optimizing digital content, she brings a unique blend of professional expertise and spiritual insight to her work. Her passion lies in exploring Biblical truths and their practical applications in daily living, self-care, and family nurturing. Through her writing, she aims to inspire and guide her readers toward a more fulfilling Christian lifestyle, drawing from her own experiences as a parent and a follower of Christ. Her thoughtful and engaging content reflects her commitment to sharing the love and wisdom found in the Scriptures with a modern audience living in the end times.
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